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Exhaustion


I've developed a very bad habit of burning out every few months. I am still trying to learn to balance healing + daily life. I am healing from a very traumatic childhood and sometimes it all gets to me. The anger, sadness, meetings, insomnia, therapy, relationships, job, pets, family, friends, errands, responsibilities. I am learning, rather, I am unlearning to cope with life in unhealthy ways and this is all so new and uncomfortable for me. Sometimes I wish I never started the healing process. Sitting with the pain is so hard. Sometimes all I can do is watch my hands shake as the anxiety hits and just watch them twitch and I do that in place of online shopping or picking at my face. I have to learn to trust my own body to comfort myself. I no longer choose to abandon myself.

I have to remind myself that as difficult as things sometimes seem they are still so much better than they were before hitting bottom. Now I have a voice. I can say no and tell you how really feel about things. Before, I could not do those things. I now have true choice. The healing is intense and I just have to remember that and work on finding some sort of balance for it all. Things can't always be good but things won't always be bad. I love going outside in my backyard on days likes these and just noticing all the plants and nature around me. Particularly the trees, I have a fondness for trees. There is more to life than my existence and it's all so beautiful and wonderful to know, peaceful, really.

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